I Believe… I have Faith

I believe for every drop of rain that falls …A flower grows,
I believe that somewhere in the darkest night … A candle glows.
I believe for everyone who goes astray … Someone will come to show the way.
I believe, Oh, I believe.
I believe above the storm …The smallest prayer, will still be heard.
I believe that someone in that great somewhere … Hears every word.
Every time I hear a newborn baby cry, or touch a leaf, or see the sky,
Then I know why I believe.

These are not my words, these are words that come to mind as I sink deeper into my depression.  They encourage me to look past the actions and words that hurt me and remember if all else fails, my faith will sustain me.

What confirms my faith?? Yesterday, it was hearing my neighbor’s car start up and remembering I could get out of that bed and get to church on time for a refueling of my Catholic faith, my weekly dose of the Holy Spirit.

What confirms my faith?  It is sharing my sadness with the only person who I can “safely” tell, knowing that she will listen and give me truthful feedback, no matter what?  Knowing she will not release a backlash of ..”you brought this on yourself”.

What confirms my faith? When your husband sees you fall apart, he instantly says, Lets’s go for a walk. And he takes me to a magical place, practically in our own backyard, where I now know I can run  to when I need to cry, scream and pray.

But these good things have their consequences, rewards and punishments. After church, I made that wonderful husband a great breakfast…and then crawled into bed, rising only to change sheets take a shower and get right back in…why??

Because that walk we took yesterday caused my husband to cry himself to sleep that night because of the pain he was in. His comforting me took a toll on him.  It causes me more pain and sadness than one should have to endure.

When do we stop grieving and move forward, how many times must we be knocked down before we can be happy.  We have so many good people in our life, why is it not enough?  Why do I care so much…

I have Faith, I believe that there is a God and he is watching over us, he will show me that my work here is truly a work in progress and I can get through this.

But for now, I need an outlet for my pain and this blog is it… no recipe of the day this time.

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